I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
