i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
