There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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