You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
