She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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