I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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