the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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