obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
