Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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