I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
