i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
