The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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