I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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