sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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