just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
