Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
