Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Even my vagina gasped.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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