I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
