I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
