Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
