I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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