another moral hangover. fuck.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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