You made me cry and you don't even care
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
