Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Found your dick twin last night
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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