I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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