this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
