I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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