I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
