I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
