Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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