Duck Duck Cougar?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
