He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
