I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
