so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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