Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
