Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
