she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Randomize
