theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize