I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
