I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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