When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize