I think I died a long time ago.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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