You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
