There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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