ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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