I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
it's like iHOP with fire
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
