i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
