I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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