How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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