listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
