my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize