Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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