the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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